My Mine
by Yami hitokiri
Summary: When you’re a Nobody, when you have no physical life or body of your own, you’ve got to hold on to the smallest victories. Roxas-centric Shonenai ONESHOT


This is a Christmas present for my friend. I never planned to ever write a KH fanfic, although I do love the game with my entire being. But after this its off to my usual realm.

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My Mine

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((R))((O))((X))((A))((S))

_Riku_.

That's his name.

I know it so well. The sound of it. Sharp. Cuts. Like his eyes.

God, I _hate_ this dream.

Warm sand. Hot sun. Waves upon waves upon waves upon…

_Don't scare me like that, Kairi!_

Island. That's what it's called. We're on the island. Me, Kairi, Riku… I love this place. But we want to leave too. How? Build a raft, of course. We're building a raft. Me, Kairi, Riku…

_Quit slacking off you two!_

_Sorry, sorry, Riku…_

Laugh and laugh. We're so happy. We're going to see the world. Riku's always wanted to see the world. I don't know why he hates our island so much. But if he wants to go— we'll build a raft…

…_! You wanted one, didn't you?_

Wanted what? Something is thrown to me. I catch it. A paopu fruit?

_If two people share one, their destinies will become intertwined. They'll remain a part of each other's lives, no matter what._

Destinies? The fruit's rine is yellow, star-shaped. What kinda fruit is that?

_Come on. _Riku is grinning. _I know you want to try it._

What are you talking—?

Riku laughs.

Who do I want to try the paopu fruit with? Riku says he'll eat it with Kairi if I don't beat him in a race. And I don't want that to happen. I don't Riku shouldn't share his paopu with her…

_Let's go, right now. Just the two of us._

No, Kairi. We can't go without Riku. What are you thinking?

_The door has opened._

What?

_The door has opened, …!_

Riku…

His hand. Reaching out… to me. He wants me to come with him. Me and Riku are going to do what we had always talked about, seeing the world. Escaping from…

I reach out, but his hand is too far away and I reach further but this black stuff is getting in my eyes and crawling up my legs and up Riku's legs and I can't see his hand anymore and…

_Riku!_

If I could only reach farther! If only I could have stayed with him then none of this would have happened!

What happened?

_Riku!_

"Yo!"

The world jumped, sleep broke over me. The red spikes of Axel's hair were backlit by the single florescent light illuminating the dinky room. His green eyes shined, but not with their usual fiery passion. "You were talking in your sleep again, Roxas."

I couldn't breathe. Axel leaned down to help, gritting his teeth. One of my sheets was apparently strangling me, knotted around my neck. Axel wrestled it free.

"Man, are you ok?" Axel asked. "You're…" Axel never looked good when he was concerned. It was such a hard emotion for him to remember. "You're not freaking out, are ya?"

Too close. I needed to breathe. Axel, his blankets, the metal bunk above me… suffocating. I pushed Axel back a step, sitting up. Not that there was much air to be had in the cell. The cell Axel and I shared.

"Sorry," I said. "Just nerves that's all."

"I'm surprised you have any." Axel sat next to me on the bed. He wasn't buying it. He never does. I kept telling him he was too smart. "Still having those dreams then?"

My silence spoke for itself.

"Yeah." Axel's jaw went stiff. "Him again, huh?"

"How do you know?"

Axel, always the restless one, stood up, fidgeting. "You were calling his name, you know." He gave his bunkmate a hard grin. "Riku? I've got it memorized."

"I know." The room was getting stuffy. I was rigid with humiliation. It was bad enough that flashes of these dreams interrupted my waking mind, and now I knew I couldn't even control my actions when I'm asleep. How? How could I stop doing actions when I was unconscious?

How could I stop turning my mind to… _Riku_.

I felt squeezed. The too small room, too small bed. Too many _things_ in my mind. "It's his fault."

"Who's?" Axel asked, crossing his arms.

I did not even dare think his name. If I knew it at all… Riku's friend. The real one who raced across the sand, who built a raft with him, the one who Riku really reached his hand out to…

"He—" And I choked up. Nobodies weren't supposed to choke up. "Nobodies don't have hearts. We aren't supposed to have feelings."

"I've heard that before."

"Then why do I…" My hand found the metal bed frame. I gripped it with all my might. "Why—"

"I don't know, but don't broadcast it, ok?" Axel offered.

"There's…" I felt it, right there in the Organization. I felt it all the time. No other Organization member felt what I did. None of them could feel a thing. Then why was I…? "It's like a pain around my stomach, but duller and more constricting. Like a heat kind of, only…"

"I said, don't broadcast it!" Axel barked. His voice is dull on the too close walls. "What do you think the Organization will do to you if they find out… all _this_? What do you think they'll do to you?"

I shut up and the heat in my gut grew all the way to my head. Building and building…

Axel hesitated. "Look…" his voice was lower now. "Just keep quiet about it. The Organization is all we've got."

"It's not all I have," I said before I thought.

Axel was taken aback. And I tried so hard not to snap at him all the time. But there was too much heat now.

"My dreams aren't just dreams," I said. I had never admitted this before. "There someone else's memories. _His_ memories."

"Who's?" Axel asked. His face was brittle as though he could barely take it.

I plowed on. Whether it was wise to admit any of this… I didn't know. "The one who I came from. The one who's shell I'm carrying."

Axel was frozen. I couldn't blame him.

"Do you have memories of who you came from?" I asked hopefully. But I already knew…

"No," Axel answered. His brow was stiff. "We're Nobodies. We've lost our hearts, you know that. That's why the Organization…"

"But_ I_ remember mine!" I stood. "I _know_ him. I know his favorite food, where he grew up, what he did, who he likes…" I swallowed. "He's got _emotions_, Axel. He feels and he's _making_ me feel too."

Axel was supporting my back. "Ok, ok, I get it. You're freaking out. Sit down."

I sat, but it didn't matter. "He's _so_ powerful Axel."

I knew Axel didn't want to comfort me. He didn't know how. I couldn't stop my shell, my remembered heart, from betraying me.

"Come on, it's you, right?" Axel patted my back like one would pet a bomb. "You can beat any of us, Roxas."

"I can't beat him," I said. And as I said it I knew it was true. "He's in my mind. Him and his Riku and Riku's raft and Riku's…"

"Riku, again?" Axel stopped patting my back. "And who is that guy? Not the one you used to be?"

"No." No, Riku was my—_his_ friend. His best friend. Riku and his paopu fruit. "Riku's lost. He's looking for Riku and then they can go home together."

"Forget about it," Axel urged. "Forget about this Riku guy. The Organization won't stand for it, you know. Just pretend you can't remember any of it."

I knew what Axel was saying was true. If I wanted to survive I had to ignore… Riku. Ice eyes set against white hair.

_He_ could _never_ forget Riku. So neither would I.

"You have to fight it," Axel continued. "You're stronger than any heart, you know that."

Fight it? How? You couldn't fight emotions with non-emotions. You can't fight anything with emptiness. I had nothing, no memory strong enough to block out…

"Roxas?"

Axel was there beside me, doing his painful confused face again. He was working on that concerned feeling again.

"You listening to me?"

"Yeah," I answered. "I have to fight these emotions."

"Good," Axel nodded like he had done his job. "Good."

"Can you help me, Axel?" I asked. This was all without thinking again.

Axel looking pained. But he said, "…yeah?"

"I won't push it too far," I assured him. Though I didn't really know what I was talking about... "Just don't move."

Axel just sat there, watching me. He was bracing himself, I knew. And I tapped into my instinct. The most important thing again to _him_ was… Riku? So, to combat Riku I had to…

I thought I knew what _he_ wanted. To find Riku and take him and get him closer…

I got closer to Axel, and the heat reacted. Good. I was fighting now. I got real close to Axel, took his hands and knew they were bigger than Riku's hands and not as smooth.

Axel remained frozen. Letting me move his arms, unblinking eyes following my every action.

I put a hand on Axel's shoulder, as Riku did sometimes. I leaned in, as Riku did sometimes. And I was really close to Axel's face now.

I had hit a wall. _He_ had never done his before. Good. I was going to win.

I put my hands on Axel's face, touched his eyebrows and nose.

Axel remained obedient, but not without flinching. "What are you doing?"

"I don't know," I answered. "Fighting."

I was touching Axel's hairline, his chin. His eyes were on mine, terrified. His mouth was tight. I touched his mouth with my finger and the heat in my head bubbled.

_He_ was not happy about this.

Perfect. I was winning.

Instinct lead me. I let it pull my hands off Axel's face and hold his shoulders and pull me forward…

_He_ was not happy.

I was looking at Axel's mouth, examining it. There was something about this part of the face was important… He had seen it many times, between his mom and dad, between other people, never with Riku of course. Never with Riku…

Instinct put my mouth on Axel's. I didn't close my eyes, neither did Axel. Were we supposed to? Heat raged in my head and other places of the body too. The anger was clear but more than that. More…

I pulled away.

My victory. Yes, now I had a memory was strong enough to fight Riku, stronger than Riku. A memory that was all mine. _My_ memory.

And I saw the torment I had put Axel through in his eyes, though his jaw was clenched shut.

"That's it. I'm done," I said.

Axel did not relax. Though he did get off the bed and across the room in a single leap.

The heat lingered. Maybe Axel felt something of it too. But how would I have known? "Are you freaking out?" I asked him.

Axel frowned, straightened himself. "Nothing I can't handle." He stood there for a moment more. "So… you done now? You beat him off, alright?"

"Yes," I said. But who knew how long that would last.

"Good." Axel nodded again. "So, _I'm_ going to bed now. You got that? You going back to sleep?"

"Yeah."

Axel nodded again and then, without another word, the object of my new memory climbed up on the bed on top of the bulk and lay back down. I turned off the light and lay down too. But my body was raging with my victory. My win. All mine. I was excited I couldn't sleep. And I had a feeling, from the utterly motionless from the bed above me, that Axel was just as depraved.

((S))((O))((R))((A))

Nobodies! How did they all get _here_? It didn't matter! I was so close to castle, no number of these guys were going to stop me now! Now matter if there were hundreds or a million of them! I had taken out the most powerful Heartless! I could easily kill these guys!

"Donald!" I cried. But in the sea of slithering gray Dusks the duck was nowhere to be found. "Goofy?" Nothing. They were out of sight! "Where are you guys?"

"Don't stop moving, or the darkness will over take you!"

I swung around. I knew that voice! Axel had jumped into the fray, apparently out of nowhere. His weapons were two sparking blurs at his sides. He was fighting the Nobodies! This didn't make sense at all!

Axel must have noticed me, standing there with my mouth open. "Get going!" he barked. His eyes were burning green.

I beat down a couple on incoming Dusks but didn't head toward the exit. "…why?" was all I could manage to get out, mind half on holding off the Nobodies.

Axel threw me an exasperated look. "Don't ask. Just _do_ it!" But while he was yelling at me, he got tackled by another group of Dusks.

I didn't think, to be honest I usually don't. Still rushing in to rescue the enemy is not usually my style, but this time it was automatic. I saw Axel fall and then the next moment I was sweeping the Keyblade over him, Dusks breaking into duct.

I gasped for breath. "You ok?"

Axel glared at me, as though he couldn't believe what I had just done. I could barely believe it either. "I kidnapped Kairi, but she got away from me." Axel punched the ground. "After that, _Saix_ caught her. He's a member of Organization XIII. Saix. Got it memorized? Now go save her!"

But why? Why would Axel kidnap Kairi and then want me to save her? Why— but another Nobody was diving for Axel. I smashed the thing in midair. And _why_ was I protecting Axel? But there was no time to think. Only more and more Nobodies piling in…

"Leave us _alone_!" I screamed and tore through another four Dusks.

Us? Since when were Axel and I 'us'?

Couldn't think. Axel had gotten up luckily and his weapons were back spinning in his hands. I never thought I would see the day when Axel and I would be fighting together. He… he had endangered Kairi. I was angry at him! But…

If only Riku were here.

I swallowed. Riku. He could defeat all these guys in an instant. If Axel hadn't brought Kairi into this I could have continued my search for Riku. Who knew where he was now? The King had indicated he was alive but… It had been so long since I'd seen him…

"_Watch_ it!"

Heat flashed passed me as Axel's flaming weapons destroyed the Dusk charging me while my mind had been busy.

I breathed. "Thanks."

Our eyes, me and Axel's, caught again. It was too weird.

"I think I liked it better when they were on my side," Axel mused in his lazy way, flipping his weapon on a loose finger. But there was a maniac grin on his lips…

"Feeling a little… _regret_?" I found myself teasing. We were back to back, protecting each other from the ring of Nobodies that surrounded us. Axel and I…

Axel lifted a brow at my question. "Nah… I can handle these punks." His green eyes flashed. "Watch _this_!" His arms shot out to the sides as his two wheeling weapons spun faster and faster, an arch of fire forming around him.

I hit the floor. And over me a wash of fire rippled over the entire space. My hair singed.

The air seemed colder after the fire dimmed. I stood up to find not a single Nobody remained.

"Woah," I gaped.

Axel was… awesome.

I turned to him and found the red-head collapsed on the ground. Very very still.

The cold in the air was in my stomach. And though I stumbled to his side, knees banging on the hard ground, I knew there was nothing I could… I had seen this happen before; I caused it to happen to other Nobodies before. Axel's body was getting thinner, peeling away. Like a dry husk…

I found my throat swollen. "You're… fading away…" I choked.

Axel was taking the news very well. "That's what happens when you put your whole being into an attack. You know what I mean?" He was watching the wisps of his own body flake off and flutter upwards.

And there was that awful incessant grin on his face. It only seemed to have grown stronger as his doom neared…

"Heh, not that nobodies actually _have_ beings… right?" he said this to me like it was some joke. As though I was going to join him in a good laugh when truly at that moment I could barely breathe.

He saw my face, saw his joke was lost on me and turned away with a sigh. Tired of seriousness at the end already? "Anyway, I digress. Go, find Kairi. Oh, almost forgot… Sorry for what I did to her."

I gulp in a breath. My head was burning with tears. Why? Why for Axel? We had barely known each other! Until now he had done nothing but hurt Kairi… Why did I care? "When we find her, you can tell her yourself," I said.

Axel rolled his eyes. "Yeah, think I'll pass. My heart just wouldn't be in it, you know? Haven't got one. Ha…"

Still joking? At a time like this? But that was so like him…

How did I know what he was like?

"Axel." The name came out smoothly. Like I had been saying it forever. I was scaring myself now. "What were you trying to do?"

The grin disappeared. He attempted a sigh but his body was so close to disintegration now… "I wanted to see Roxas."

My body flinched.

That name again.

I fought the urge to scream the question that was on my mind: Who is Roxas? Why did that name keep on coming up in my mind? And when it did… some part, some small part of myself jumped, as though jolted by lightening. Who was Roxas? And how did this person have to do with me? Axel was mistaken, they were all mistaken. But I didn't have the courage to correct Axel now. And yet when I heard that name, something in me leapt with vicious joy.

Axel shuddered, his whole being was crumbling. He barred his teeth like he thought what he was saying sounded ridiculous. "He… was the only one I… liked."

Liked? Liked how?

Somehow I knew. And I saw Axel's brow and his hairline down to his chin, mouth…

What was wrong with me?

"He made me feel… like I had a heart," Axel continued, and chuckled at his own words. "Who's ever heard of that?"

_How pathetic we are, Axel…_

The words almost escaped my mouth.

"It's kind of funny…" and the fiery red-head risked the last of his energy to turn to me again. "You do make me feel… the same…"

The same as who? This Roxas person?

There was heat in my brain and I had no idea how it had gotten there. All I knew was that Axel was dying, his existence would end here, while I lived on…

My senses rushed, like I was fighting, and before I knew it I was leaning so close to Axel's face, looking at his mouth of all things…

_Mine._

What?

_Axel is mine._

Axel did not look shocked, perhaps nothing could surprise him now at the end of his life. But as I threw myself backwards, senses writhing, the red-head's dissolving form shook with laughter.

"He _did_ get to you then!" And Axel was ecstatic. "_Well_ done, partner! _Ha_!"

I was stunned by my own actions. Never, never— had I just—just _kissed_? _No_! I didn't— I _couldn't_— I had never— before… this was my first— "What are you talking about—"

But Axel would not answer me. "Kairi's in the castle dungeon. Now _go_!" It was an order. His last…

"Axel…" It came out like a plea. But with a flush of dark gases Axel's nonexistent being collapsed and dissipated into the air.

Axel was gone.

Axel was…

_Not yours._

A guy I had barely known had just died in front of me. And yet I felt tears in my eyes. How could I feel so much when he meant nothing to me? He had done nothing but terrible things to me up till this moment! And yet I had—had _kissed_ him, on his death bed? My first kiss who I was going to share with— I gulped— I _could_ have shared with Riku. But that was impossible— it had always been impossible 'cause we were friends—_best_ friends— and now… now…

"_Why_?" I shouted at myself. "_What_ is going on?"

I got no answer, except for two very different, yet simultaneous, emotions: the feeling of despair, and then from the deep recesses of my mind an odd alien sense of fierce victory.

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((END))

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Yeah. That scene between Axel and Roxas in Final mix, where they're on the clock tower eating ice cream and Roxas is all disappearing in the sparkles of light, Axel calls Roxas "aibou" (which as a Yugioh fanfic writer makes me very happy) but it means "partner" or something else homoerotic. :p

No sequel. This is a ONESHOT, duh.

You can always **REVIEW** though… It would be so nice to **REVIEW**, don't you think?


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